last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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