I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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