WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
