I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
