My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
