apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
