:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
