she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
