I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
