i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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