I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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