No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just had sex bonerless
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
