Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Panties = found
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
