So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
