i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
