And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
