dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
