It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
