in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
