Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
