You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
