his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
