Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
