I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
