she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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