Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
