So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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