Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm too high and old for this...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
