She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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