i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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