I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
