I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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