I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
