Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
