we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
