3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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