did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
