i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
