Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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