I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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