she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
