Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
