A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
