I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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