All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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