I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
