We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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