You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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