Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
