Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
