i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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