Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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